I’m excited for the weekend. I don’t have any awesome plans for any awesome things but I’m fine with that. I’m playing my awesomeness by ear. This week was not the best. I haven’t been living at all. I’ve been existing in the corners of my head trying to bat away the cobwebs that made a home for itself there. Wanting to get up and go, leave everything behind and venture out into the unknown, yet scared to do so.
It all started Sunday when I decided to wear silver jewelry (I’m normally a gold girl). I pulled out my Pandora bracelet, which was gifted to me on my birthday about 2 years ago by someone I love dearly. My cheap ass never invested in growing the charms so I only have the one that came with it on there. I started thinking, missing and somewhere along feeling total grief for a friendship that life took its toll on. I feel like I’ve lost a part of me that use to be my spark of hope in times like these. My day and everything went downhill from there the moment that Pandora box was opened.
I became so emotionally unbalanced. Toeing on the brink of tears more times than I needed to be. Although I willed them to not flow on the outside, I was a gushing waterfall on the inside. Truth is, I was dealing with feelings of loneliness. I’ve heard and I’m sure you have as well, the saying of being in a crowded room with people all around and yet still you feel alone. This is how I felt me; Je Suis alone. I needed love at that moment and even tried to reach out for it but was met with disappointments. It’s funny how people would say things like, “You can call if you need me” yet, they are never available when truly needed. I’m sure you have been here before, can you think of a moment?
So, I’ve been sad most of the week, my emotions were just all too much. Every experience I’ve had for the past few months came out in a recipe for one big gumbo pot of eff you’s. I’m guilty of internalizing everything. I realize I take experiences personal and it hurts to know that the people you would bend over backward for may not do the same for you. I did what I thought was the safest thing for me because all I wanted to do was pelt some bad words and shut doors forever. That would have been illogical and hurt me more because I would have been acting out mindlessly. Instead, (maybe this was not the best way, but whatever) I shut myself off from nearly everyone who can trigger any more unwanted emotions. I unplugged and lived in my thoughts, wallowing in my sadness for a few days until I finally snapped out of it somewhat. I feel like I’ve swept the emotions under a rug. I haven’t found a way to deal with it entirely or maybe I have but I’m just a coward in doing what probably needs to be done. Have you ever been in a place where you feel like you’re grasping at straws? What do you do? How do you handle it? Who do you turn to?
Today, I’m piled up with work I could have gotten done within the week. Well, that might not be entirely true because I’m so last minute with everything that I would have been in the same situation even if I was my best self. My “to do” list has always needed a “to do” list of its own for as long as I remember. I can’t seem to focus long enough to get shit down.
Anyway, the moral of the story is “this too shall pass”. We would always stumble and fall but we have to choose to get up to fight another day. We all have demons, situations, experiences, disappointment, heartbreaks etc. that would throw us off balance from time to time. It’s all in the game of life.They say happiness comes from within but to me, sadness comes from the same place as well. Balancing the yin to the yang is the challenge.
I am now shopping for a therapist/life coach, something that is stigmatized in the black community, especially. Everyone needs someone who would LISTEN and not just hear them out. If you find yourself needing to talk and let it all out or need assistance in refocusing your thoughts etc. hire a therapist. It doesn’t make you a “crazy” person. Instead, it makes you someone who is aware of self with the understanding that our mental element can sometimes be out of whack. See if that helps.
Enjoy your weekend and be awesome even if u aren’t feeling it. I smiled and it triggered a happy feeling.
Live, Laugh, Love