Have you ever felt guilty when something good was happening to you? Have you felt guilty for being successful? Have you ever felt unworthy of recognition of something you did well? Have you felt bad when your relationship is blossoming but your friends are down on luck? Do you feel guilty that you are the only one in your family with a degree and good job? Do you compare where you are in life vs where you think you should be?
Why not Me?
I am guilty of feeling bad for every ounce of happiness in my life. I am guilty of feeling bad for myself. I am guilty of comparing myself to others. I am guilty of being unforgiving and hard on myself. I am guilty of being a people pleaser. I’m guilty of looking to others for validation. I am guilty of keeping myself back and sabotaging things. The reasons for these flaws stems from low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, not enough self-love and belief in one’s self. It’s a sad, stupid feeling. I beat myself up over it sometimes because I mean SERIOUSLY “WHY NOT ME?”
Roots Planted Early.
The root of this learned behavior is hard to explain but somehow I think it was planted during childhood. I believe the seed of mediocrity was planted early. The seed of not being enough was planted early. Self-esteem was killed early. Self-love was crushed early. The thing is I don’t know if it was intentionally done, taught or learned and distributed through culture. Culture has so much to do with the growth process, identity, influence, and education of a child. As a child, I learned to live “safe”. Whatever experience I had thought me that flying under the radar was best for me. There is no reason for me as a child to not be confident. Somehow though that confidence was silenced and replaced by an insecure need to live in the shadows of others. I was taught to see acceptance and validation from outside rather than within.
THAT RIGHT THERE IS BULLSHIT AND I HOPE PARENTS PAY MORE ATTENTION TO RAISING CONFIDENT CHILDREN WHO ARE NOT AFRAID TO HAVE A VOICE AND IDENTITY IN THIS WORLD.
Trying to unlearn these confining self-hate is the hardest task that challenges me daily. It’s a fight for me to walk around and be uncaring of what others thought of me. I try to remind myself that others opinions have nothing to do with me and I should always rely on my truth. It crushes me to see so many young people facing this dilemma. It’s even harder for them because of the influences of social media, trends and the bullying to be the “same”. It’s like a zombie system with everyone adopting the same “identity”, wanting to fit in, wanting to be trending, popular etc. Standing out now means going viral and collecting likes. Likes prove worthiness and it’s so easy to fall into this trap when self-worth and values are low. Celebrity level status is goals.
Healing while making a difference
My way of working through my issues and making a difference in the lives I come intact with is through listening, being present and available. Being able to play the role of “big sister” to the young ladies in my life is very rewarding. Knowing that they feel comfortable to come to me for advice or to talk about their insecurities etc. and trusting that I would arm them with helpful feedback and guidance. I feel blessed when I’m, referred to as the big sister. Inspiring and guiding them inspires me to want to make a difference in more girls lives. Through helping others there is always the opportunity of discovering and learning more of one’s self. It gives a sense of purpose and encourages me to be me, to love me, to believe in me and to know that I am deserving of everything I want.
I implore you, my readers, to never stop working on you. No matter what age we are learning never stops and we are all a work in progress. So, step forth, love and choose you, WHY NOT YOU.