“For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end.”Michelle Obama
Woke up one morning with the thought “Damn, is this my Karma”?
I can laugh out loud honestly because I’m no longer ashamed of my story or past. Musing about my relationships in the past I concluded that I’ve been unlucky in the love sector. Consequently, I thought this was due to my inability to feign interest in guys who’ll run a mile for me. That may be an unrealistic notion, but I played around with it. My stubborn nature would not allow forced attraction because the world thinks it a good match. If that makes me an asshole then, oh well. At this point, I have no regrets.
Truth is, I’m far from being in the asshole category. Growing up, I was taught that being safe was more important than taking risks. The goal for a young woman was finding a man to love and provide for her. Whether she loved him or not. I’m certain you’ve heard or been told, “you would grow to love him.” How long will it take to reach that point? Would it happen in this lifetime? This behavior and way of thinking are silly and ancient.
Mama, I apologize, but that mantra doesn’t work for me. I’ll live with my Karma. Heck, I’ll swing from trees, enjoying the freedom of making my own decisions and facing its consequences. Indeed, I’ve contrived conscious decisions to delve into things, rightly knowing there won’t be a desirable end. Some of those choices granted men who were unworthy of my energy, into my space. They all cared for me in their own way, but the truth is, I DIDN’T LOVE ME ENOUGH. I enjoyed the challenge that came with these relationships because It caused me to feel good about myself.
It was an engaging game, however a risky one. Being unable to manage my emotions was problematic. I’m an all in or all out type of girl, how could I police my feelings? The thrilling melodrama of wanting to be the knight in shining armor weakened my standards. Proving I was “THE ONE” he needed, meant everything to me. In my mind that looked like, depleting my cup by being everything under the sun; the nurturer, active listener, adviser, best friend, giver, and lover.
I dreamt I prevailed as the chosen one who would inflict the ‘act right syndrome’ and have men succumb to my love. Here it is another proof of my non-existent self-worth. I worked earnestly to “win” relationships but winning scared the shit outta me. Something about commitments made me terribly uncomfortable and so, I safeguarded myself by believing all was fake.
Have I ever felt worthy of all things divine? The answer is, NO, I haven’t for as long as I recognize myself. Dodging commitments have been my way of consciously ensuring that my belief system (being unworthy and undeserving) remained true. It’s a proven lie which fucked me up psychologically for long enough.
Tons of frustrating days presented themselves through this mad cycle of push and pull. I wasn’t a fool, but I knowingly acted foolishly. Do you recall the saying “when you know better you do better?” Guess what, I knew better, but I was fearful of doing better because of the belief that I didn’t deserve better. Do you see where I’m going with this? As much as I pride myself in the reality of being ‘A GOOD WOMAN’, I know I’m vulnerable. Mortal beings are imperfect, my well of insecurities has overflowed many times. Some folks may be ashamed to admit their shortcomings, but FUCK SHAME. No one can distress you with your truth.
The great news is that I’ve woken up. I’m aware that life hasn’t played me. For the sake of living up to my unworthiest, I voluntarily abandoned all wisdom and understanding and essentially played myself. You could say I’ve grown overnight, my blindfold is off and the bird box stored away. I AM ENOUGH, I get it now! My friend, I’m guaranteed is applauding me saying, “I told you.” Thankfully, she dedicated the room for me to see my shit myself. This awakening makes me filled with gratitude because now I get it. Without inhibition, I can walk in my truth.
The last straw…
According to Albert Einstein, “Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” God saw that I was not absorbing the lesson; that I was nevertheless attempting to achieve things my way. He devised the tests harder for me and finally, the lesson became clear. Clarity in a recent disappointment represented my Eureka moment. “Enough is enough, it’s time to take care of you and heal,” I told myself.
The snowballing effect of emotional brokenness created a confusion filled whirlwind of anxiety. I was fucking drowning on land! During the day my heart beat uncontrollably in my chest as I gasped for breath. The universe saw it fit to hit me this blow that I didn’t see coming. In the past, I would have been more prepared. But sometimes we need a push off the cliff to see that we can fly.
Thank god for my strength, resilience, and belief in humanity; I pulled myself together real quick. There isn’t a good enough reason to allow another human being to have control of my destiny. My hope in love and how my story is depicted is mine to control. Have you observed how heartbreak has ruined and reshaped the lives of people’s world forever? No Bueno, that is not how my story will end.
Those chapters of my life are complete and void. There’s a feeling of freedom that I haven’t felt in my past. I’m smiling by reason of choice as I blossom through my pain and shame. Every day presents a challenge, but it offers another day to practice self-compassion. Releasing shame gave me the courage to soar. Gift yourself with that freedom so you can pack your bags and take a fucking flight to wonderland.
As much as I’ve been hurt, I’ve honestly hurt others too. Forgiving myself was my first order of business as I travel on this road to rediscovery, self-love, and wellness. My past created a storyline that I’m happy to recreate. I can change the narrative moving forward. This new story will be one of me embracing the blessing I receive every morning as my eyes open. The goal now is simplicity: to LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, and create MEMORIES that will live on longer than I can ever imagine.
Once upon a time, I was fighting constantly for what I believed should be, over accepting what is. Most people aspire for the “American Dream,” the socially acceptable success story. This dream is perfectly ok to want. On the contrary, it’s ok to create a suitable success that looks different from the typical.
Societies timeline of where you should be in life at each stage is a myth. I fell for the lie at some point and caught myself comparing my “accomplishments” to others. This behavior can create a depression in anyone who is vulnerable. Imagine belittling your accomplishments because it doesn’t seem big enough. Viewing yourself as a failure because your success does not equate to societies definition. Societal standards can prove to be total bullshit if you allow it to validate how you see yourself and live your life. Thankful that phase did not stick around long enough to debilitate me.
Karma, what’s that?
I am on my own path, therefore NO; this is definitely not my karma God. This is my reckoning and my becoming the person I’m birth to be. YES, I am five years to forty, single, no career, no house, no car and sometimes no damn sense j/k haha. Who cares? A more intriguing question should be; why should anyone care? These facts do not depict who I am; they don’t make me less valuable, worthy or deserving. What I AM though, is far more than any material accomplishment. Those things are ‘NOTHING” according to spiritual teacher Mooji. I am a ball of energy filled with creativity and a deep sense of humor. I remain an optimist lover of life and all mankind; therefore, I continue giving thanks.
“Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.”Michelle Obama