I’ve been feeding on gorilla glue for the past few months. I’ve come to a point in life that’s pleasantly gray. So far, it’s been loads of cloudy days with peeks of sunlight here or there. Does this sound familiar? Every once in a while I can hear a slight crack of thunder but nothing strong enough to shake me up…yet. Now and then, the clouds get pretty heavy and are on the brink of bursting. Those moments I will the rain away. I sometimes get a drop or two of stubborn raindrops as if they are sending me the “hey, get it together” message. As if I really don’t want to ‘ GET IT TOGETHER’ (roll eyes). My justification button notes, “AT LEAST I AM KEEPING IT TOGETHER”.
Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, finding balance has been daunting. Balance is an important word in my being but it seems to be playing hide and seek with my emotions lately. Still keeping it together. I noticed I haven’t been smiling or laughing fully much. Seems like I’ve chosen to be in a state of lonesomeness. I’m not the loner type though but experiences, let downs and disappointments seem to be where the fingers point. It’s getting me nowhere, but still; I search for a doorway to escape the impending ‘fall apart’. My ego would not allow such demise to overcome my being.
I seek answers and solutions from other humans. I expect a quick resolve; the instant gratification, the quick fix, the get rich fast scheme that seems to be devoid of words like ‘hard work’ or ‘commitment’ or ‘challenges’ or ‘ failure’ or even the big word ‘success’. Those are not much of my favorite words. They create mixed feelings for me. I can’t even justify the thought process behind some of them. It’s bombarded by so much, filled with so much, yet misses so much “stuff”. But, I’m keeping it together.
Focusing on me even if I feel empty, more like drained of empathy for self. I should have life figured out, right? I should know exactly what I want, right? I should have a goal. I should have plans to meet that goal, RIGHT? I should have a great career, by now. I should have some kids, by now. Throw in a house and car, by now. I should be OVER trying to figure it out, by now. I should be on my way to the “top”, by now. I should know what I want to be when I grow up, by now.
But guess WHAT… I’ve decided today that right NOW, you know this present moment, where I’m lying in bed, under my favorite blanket, getting all worked up writing this, feeling a Lil bit overwhelm, with a headache trying to peek in because maybe I have not had my morning coffee as yet, wondering if I should share this and what would people think (I cannot fucking stand the what would people think thought, but that’s another entry by itself). YES, I’ve decided that I AM WHERE I NEED TO BE RIGHT NOW. It’s not the ideal place, nor is it my end point. It is just my NOW. It’s the stormy or gray area in MY journey. It’s my pivoting point that I can choose to keep it together or let it all fall apart. But, fuck falling apart and all those who may think they know how my life should be lived. I would not allow that. What I would allow though is for the universe to open my eyes to see opportunities that lie in times where we feel no opportunities exist. To ask for courage to not be scared to really dig deeeep within the cores of my being and truly be fearless in accepting and taking what is mine. I ask God for the strength to kill with love that terrorist that lives in my head that doesn’t seem to like me that much.
I know I am not alone. I know that you may be at a point in your journey where you are fighting to keep it together daily. I’m sure there must be one person out there who is afraid to dream big because you don’t think you are deserving of GREATNESS. Whether it may be symptoms of early childhood where identities, values, and culture were fostered, or during our teenage years, where the need for acceptance influenced beliefs and personalities. Whatever it may be, what are some things you’re found helpful in you keeping it together?