I can’t remember when exactly I met him. It must have been at a very tender, influential age. Thinking about it, I suspect I was groomed at an early age to love him. For as long as my memory exist, he has been a part of my life. I can’t recall when we started courting and going out, nor when I somehow fell into a love/ hate relationship with him. But it happened, and from then I was hooked.
He is the type of man who calmed my nerves on days when my anxiety was high. He loved me in a way that was stifling. His love put a chokehold on every step up in my life, but He kept me safe by making sure I never strayed from my comfort zone. Stepping out means risk and risks are something he didn’t want for me. He taught me about self-sabotage by becoming that little voice in my head that contradicts every thought that steered me in a positive direction. He taught me to place myself last because there is always better than me; I wasn’t good enough. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and there he was pointing out all my humanly flaws instead of teaching me to embrace me. I couldn’t bring myself to love me because I was an irreparable record. He tried to make me believe, over and over again that I was unlovable.
It has been a tumultuous relationship. Break up after break up we made right back up. I couldn’t live without him because he’s all I knew; my safety net. I was hooked on his phonics and vibrating on a low frequency. Sometimes we took relationship breaks and during those phases, I had major growth spurts. I blossomed for a bit, I was happy, confident, in love with me and proud. My sweet nectar though attracted him, so back again he came buzzing. He made his presence felt without actions. I was too wuss to say or do anything, his presence silenced me.
I became a slave to him because he controlled my strength, my mind. He gave me little bouts of happiness but they were always short-lived. I learned the art of deflection. I deflected relationships, success, new challenges, risk, friendships; jobs just to name a few. He made sure I knew I could never live up to the standards I dreamt of. He made sure my dreams shattered in the palms of my own hand. He messed up my mind. My thought process isn’t “normal”. I no longer know what I want nor what I need because when they get fulfilled I’m still left feeling displeased……wanting…..needing more.
I’ve been fed and ingested so many negative messages that I am forever feeling bad. Feeling bad for things I have no responsibility for, things I fear to come, bad for people, bad for myself, bad for succeeding, bad for failing, bad for falling in love, bad for breaking up, bad for not agreeing, you name it. I am convinced everything is my fault at times. I can’t even applaud myself for small accomplishments because he taught me to applaud for fireworks. I want to dream big, I want to always have positive thoughts, I want to not run away from things anticipating a tumultuous end. I want to ride the waves of experiences without creating anxiety in my head. I want to not think of how things should be but instead, accept the process of how things are. I want to break up with him, but I FEAR I won’t know how to live without him.